Moving on

Well today was actually a very good day- i mean there were moments when i would get tears in my eyes because i'd start thinking about how lucky my friend is to have found a guy as awesome and as perfect for her as her husband...and then i'd think of how i'm single and blah blah blah and then i'd tell myself that i'm not supposed to be sad about this, that this is a good thing. I'd tell myself about how i'm better off without him, and how i can do better...but for some reason i'd still want to cry. I HATE that i love him...hate that i can't stop thinking about him, i really just wanna move on...but i can't for some reason.

I've blocked his number from my phone, i've blocked him on facebook, i've blocked him from everything i can think of...yet i don't want to do that, i want him to be able to call me up some day and say "hey, i made a mistake...can you give me another chance?". And right now if he did that i'd say "yes", because i'm in that state of mind, but really in the future if he did i'd probably say "no" and tell him even if he were to have a tiny chance with me he'd have to absolutely prove he wasn't gonna hurt me again and all that. But i doubt that'll ever happen, so no worries.

Its just hard for me because i keep thinking how i don't go out and meet people so i'm never going to meet another guy...but i guess for now thats a good thing. I need time to figure "me" out. I can't keep getting into these relationships and make them into something more than they really are...i need to learn how to control that, how to control how i feel and how to control myself so that i don't make things bigger than they are. I also need to learn to love me more, right now i hate how i look and i need to fix that. But in all honesty...i just want someone to curl up next to at night and feel safe and loved.

But this is me...trying to move on...